Christmas

Hello

Have a good'n
although it was yesterday :)

Yours with love,
Hannah xxx

The Spirit of Christmas

Hello

No it's not all around. Not in the slightest.
but I'll try and be happy :)

Yours with unchristmassyness,
Hannah xxx

Stress

Hello

French, German. Especially French. I've given up. I've tried and I've tried, but my brain has reached its limit. It's getting me down, if I'm honest. It's only a mock. It's so pathetic, but I'm sitting here in tears because of these bloody mocks. They're driving me crazy. I don't know what to do. There's just so much to remember! I should be able to remember it because I love French, but I can't remember it ALL in one night; that's impossible!

Eurgh, I hate this.
FML

Yours with FUCKOFFness,
Hannah xxx

German. French.

Hello

fml, tbh. cos i cba.

I've TRIED to learn my german speaking. I can't. I suck, and will fail, but I don't care.

My French WILL be learnt. I will make myself learn it. Because I like french, and german is moche.

Yours in bi-lingual-confusion-and-general-shitness,
Hannah xxx

So this is that.

Hello

I have now realized that a person who was beginning to creep themselves into my life is actually a complete twat, and isn't worth my time. Also, another person who I don't want to creep into my life is creeping in, and I don't like it, because they're weird and gay. Not literally, but still...

I'm so tired. And I don't know what to do now to be honest.
I'm all in a tizz.

Also, my step-grandfather had an affair against my grandmother, and that's a main reason why they split up. My Nan was telling me about it on the phone earlier, and saying how much of a bad person he was, but I have a right to make up my own mind about him, which is true, but I'm quite put off. And I'm meant to be seeing him on the 19th for lunch and shopping.

Yours in deep annoyance and general shiteness,
Hannah xxx

I don't know how to feel.

Hello

title explains it all tbh. but i mean, i'm so soooo happy for a certain someone :):)
but then i'm really annoyed at another, which is a pain.
and i'm shit scared thanks to Paranormal Activity.

Yours with bleughness,
Hannah xxx

Yep.

Hello

there's lots to tell you, but technically i can't. but i could be in trouble with a certain person.. that's all i'm saying..

Yours with worry,
Hannah xxx

mocks

Hello

mocks. they're so boring. i could die.

and i'm in trouble.
not with mocks, but with something else.

pffffft.

Yours with annoyance,
Hannah xxx

oh dear.

Hello

dilema. who wants to listen?

shitshitshit mannn.

Yours with worry,
Hannah xxx

Tired tbh.

Hello

Mocks.
tbh, they're arse holes.

i'm soooo tiredddd!

NEW MOON IS OUT FRIDAY :D:D


Yours in unsureness,
Hannah xxx

This is the real me.

Hello

It's been a few weeks since I've been getting these feelings. The feelings where everything's going wrong. The feelings where all I want to do is curl up in in ball in the corner and die. That'd be the life, wouldn't it? I can't even talk about this with Connor, or any of my friends. I act all happy and normal on the outside, when all I really want to do is scream. It's those small things that build up on top of each other that hurt the most. Argument with the parents or boyfriend. A disagreement of opinions. A grade that you weren't happy with. They all add up. I'm the ugliest person alive in this entire world, I'm fat and I NEED to lose weight. That may be what every girl thinks, but seriously, i HATE the way I look. It makes me sick. Thing is, if I told my friends about it, they'd all say 'Hannah, we all get stressed. it's cos of the mocks', and yes, the mocks may not be helping atm, but they're not the things that are most on my mind. I didn't want to write all this up on the computer, but there's nothing else I can do to explain how I feel. I feel like my insides have been ripped out. Like there's nothing in this world left to live for. Don't get me wrong, my friends are AMAZING. I love them like nothing else in this world, but I just hate what goes on around and outside of school. At home. With Connor. Like I said; everything adds up. I'm not some stupid girl who's just gonna go and commit suicide at any chance, don't be silly. But I do like to get my anger out. I tend to do it by being mad at people who I shouldn't be mad at; mainly Connor. But he doesn't deserve it all, tbh. And when I argue with people it just makes me more annoyed and more pissed off. Truth is, I'm sure there are a lot of people who have been through this, and I know I didn't explain fully what was wrong with me in this, but hey. I know what I'm talking about, even if you don't.
I'm going to have to think of another way of letting out my anger, without committing suicide or having a go at other people.

Yours ...
Hannah xxx

Ideas.

Hello

Since my great grandmother passed away almost 3 months ago, I've been thinking that I need to do something to remember her by. We have her old piano now, so I thought it best that i should learn to play. I've been thinking of this for a while, but never realy had the balls to start, but now I'm going to. I have to. For her. She used to love the piano, and now I'm going to make her smile wherever she is. I owe her that much.

I love you Nanan. You're always in my heart and I'm so proud to have been part of your family.

Yours with love,
Hannah xxx

Blog. a blog is a place to share feelings.. okay.

Hello

fine. i'll share my feelings. But i don't know how.

I have hate, love, passion, anger, stress, annoyance, betrayal, sickness and determination going on in my mind right now.

Tbh, nothing ever works out the way it seems.

I don't know when love ever stops hurting. When decisions ever get easier to make. I know that everything that's going wrong at the moment will get better some day, but I just don't know when.

I don't know when relationships between friends will be realized for what they really are. When love between a couple can die away. How to end something that's been going on for such a long time, which you never want to end, but you know it has to.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense.. probably not. Or whether anyone's going to read it and take any notice. Once again, probably not. but you wanna know something? I need someone to talk to. I don't really know what's wrong with me. But I need a cry. Or just that one person who will say to me 'Talk to me. I can help'.

I doubt I'll get that until I ask.

Yours in regret,

Hannah xxx

Been a while.

Hello

Well hello there, stranger ;)

so it's been a while since I last wrote i think.. maybe a few days. But nothing really interesting has happened. It's still the same now.

I'm basically writing to you as a friend. I don't know which of my friends will read this, but hey.

I'm fed up. Fed up with school, with family, with arguments tbh. 

The day after connor tells me we won't argue anymore, he creates an argument.

School is stressing me out - I hate it. I used to LOVE english, but now i hate it. It's stupid, I know, but writing in English used to keep me happy. Now it's total shit, it gets me pissed off, and I know it's silly, but it's shite.

My grandfather has stopped writing to me. AGAIN.

and I don't know why.

Yours with bleughness,

Hannah xxx

My wonderful boyfriend :)

Hello

Connor's perfect. Absolutely wonderful. He knows we argue too much and is going to try and change that. I'm so glad - I hate arguing with him :/

I'm so lucky, you know? :)

Yours with lots and lots of love,

Hannah xxx

Ill

Hello

So I'm lying here on the sofa, on a school day. Yes, I'm ill. But it's not your usual feeling sick, or headache. Although I DID use that excuse to phone the school, as my mother suggested.

I don't really want to write about what my 'problem' is. It's girly stuff, but not period pains, although I am getting some very painful ones at this current moment. :/

But it's all okay, because Connor and I didn't argue last night (!) and we've been good ever since. I don't know if I'm going back to school tomorrow, but if I am, I'm meeting him afterwards, and if I'm not going back tomorrow, he's gonna drop by anyway. (I might beg for a bar of choccy - living off tomato soup is not the best thing in the world, believe it or not!)

I'm a bit confused as to what this 'problem' is. I've been given this pack thing which my mum got from the chemist, but I don't think it's the right kind of problem tbh...

Anyway, I'm off to watch telly :)

Yours in pain and confusion,

Hannah xxx

Argument after argument after argument...

Hello

I'm getting rather fed up with it, to be completely honest. I love Connor and all that, but we argue FAR too much, it's just annoying.

Know what else? Beka Pannell wrote about how her boyfriend was being all romantic, and buying her stuff and bought her flowers etc, and it got me thinking... Connor has never bought me flowers. She goes to me in English today, 'what was the last thing connor bought you?' and I had no idea. She said 'Chris buys me loads of stuff all the time!' I said, 'yeah Connor does when he has money, but he hasn't got a job atm.' She goes, 'yeah well boyfriends should always be able to afford a simple bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend'.

To be honest, she's right :/

Yours in confusion,

Hannah xxx

School. Again.

Hello

School tomorrow.

Bollocks.

Yours with bollocks,

Hannah xxx

So it's all kicking off...

Hello

well, like the title suggests, it's all kicking off, for tonight, I will meet with my step-grandfather for the first time in 2 years, for dinner.

Wish me luck!!

Yours with nerves,

Hannah xxx

NEW grandfather?

Hello

Been a while, hasn't it? Well, when I went to Brighton on Saturday, I decided to give my 'grandfather', Freddie, a phone call. I got the number off my dad, seeing as he was back at home, and I was in Brighton with my boyfriend and his mum and sister. So yeah, I phoned Freddie, and he wasn't there, so I left a message. (Well, actually I left two: I forgot to leave my number in the first one!) My dad then got an email from Freddie, apologizing for not getting my message(s) until later that evening, and telling us that he may have prostate cancer. We weren't really surprised - he's always having problems. Basically, he's written to say that he would very much like to meet up with me again for 'supper' or something along those lines. He also added that I have a 'very nice speaking voice'.  :)

I literally have just read another email from him, saying that he'd like to take me out to 'supper' on Saturday evening - great. No Battle of the Bands for me then, eh? :(

Oh well - I suppose it would be good to patch things up. The only reason we stopped talking in the first place was because my mum told him where to get off because he's such a boring, controlling, self-absorbed bastard. Which I suppose he is, but he needs grandchildren in his life to keep him happy, so that's what I'm trying to do - keep him happy. And my dad, cos I know he wants me to speak to him. Just hope everything works out alright...

Yours with fingers crossed,

Hannah xxx

Shall keep you updated on

Parents. What can you do?

Hello

So this is total shite, okay? In short, my dad called me a hussy because I said 'bloody' at my brother. So I've decided that if he has another go at me tomorrow, I'm sleeping round Connor's tomorrow night, whether my dad likes it or not. 

Fuck him.

Yours in anger,

Hannah xxx

This time of night...

Hello

it's always a funny time, isn't it? This time of night. Where you're so tired, but you just don't want to go to bed, even though I know I have an early morning the next day.

Pffft.

I don't care.

Today was pretty good :) took my dad shopping; spent money on Clarins stuff, and in Topshop :) 

He even took me for my first driving 'lesson' if you like, around the local rugby club car park for half an hour. It was shit scary, but soo good! :)

Tomorrow I'm going to Guildford, so that'll be good. I'm gonna have to bring loads of money, knowing me, but I don't wanna spend it all at once. I'll BEG my dad for money for a new hoodie - say I need a new one for winter ;)

Anyway, I'm going to bed now, I guess...

Yours in tiredness and love,

Hannah xxx

NEWS FLASH!

Hello

MY STALKER LOVE ME AGAIN!

ABORT ALL MISSIONS IN WHICH I TRY TO TELL HIM THAT MY RAPIST LOVES ME!!

Yours with MAJOR worries

Hannah xxx

Bed time.

Hello

I know this is the most pointless blog ever to write, but I'm in a really bad mood. My boyfriend and I had an argument because he fancied this girl, who he said he didn't like. So it's all pretty crap. And this woman started on me and my dad after band in her car. She was like 'have you got a problem?' and me and my dad were laughing, so she started hurling abuse at us. This was all because my dad called her an idiot (loud enough so she could hear) because she parked somewhere where no one else could get past. I also couldn't hand in my 'Women in Black' form for the History trip because I was one day past the deadline because I forgot to hand it in the week before. Stuck up cow on reception.

Yours in aggression,

Hannah xxx

My stalker

Hello

Recently, i have been stalked by a 27 year old man who lives in Walsal. He's scary and told me he wanted to marry me.

Anyway, after telling him to back off and leave me alone, I spun him a little story, consisting of me getting raped and mugged (he didn't steal my phone) and now i have a broken leg, arm, wrist and 3 fingers. He also believes that my boyfriend dumped me because he's annoyed that he's not the only person who's had sex with me. He also believes that I am in counsoulling and after my very detailed recollection, he began to cry. He believes every word. I then told him last night that it was an English teacher from my school. He's getting worried about me. I told him that said English teacher was in love with me and so stalked me and raped me. This evening, I am going to tell him that he offered me £5,000 to keep my mouth shut. After i declined, he got me by my throat and threatened to do it all again. He would then kiss me roughly on the mouth and walk away. The plot will then thicken, by me some how falling in love with him.

Cruel, I know. but to be honest, it's the best fun i've had in ages!

Any more suggestions as to how i could thicken the plot?

Yours in eagerness,

Hannah xxx

Cruel, I know. But

No regrets

Tell me a story

where we all change

and we'd live our lives together

but not as strange.

I didn't lose my mind it was 

mine to give away.

Couldn't stay to watch me cry

you didn't have the time,

so I softly slip away.

No regrets.

They don't work.

No regrets, now.

They only hurt.

Sing me a love song.

Drop me a line.

Suppose it's just a point of view,

but they tell me I'm doing fine.

I know from the outside

we were good for each other.

Felt things were going wrong when

you didn't like my mother.

I don't want to hate,

but that's all you've left me with.

A bitter after-taste

and no fantasy, of how we all could live.

No regrets.

They don't work.

No regrets now.

They only hurt.

I know they're still talking,

the demons in your head.

If I could just stop hating you,

and feel sorry for us instead.

Remember the photographs, insane!

The one where we all laughed, so lame!

We were having the time of our lives,

well thank you.

It was a real blast.

No regrets.

They don't work.

No regrets, now.

They only hurt.

Write me a love song.

Drop me a line.

Suppose it's just a point of view,

but they tell me I'm doing fine.

Everything I wanted to be,

every time I walked away,

every time you told me to leave,

I just wanted to stay,

every time you looked at me,

and every time you smiled,

I felt so vacant

and you treat me like a child.

I love the way we used to laugh

I love the way we used to smile.

Often I sit down and think of you for a while.

And it passes me by,

and I think of someone else instead.

I guess the love we once had is officially

DEAD.

Should be doing homework.

Hello

So i've just got back from school. Been  a pretty average day really. But instead of typing up history coursework, I'm here. Blogging. Sad isn't it?

I don't really have much to write. Maybe I'll write again later, if there's nothing else to do. 

Yours with tiredness,

Hannah xxx

Addicted. ALREADY.

Hello

So it's 9:20 here in sunny ol' England, and I've actually had a pretty darn good day. I went round my boyfriend's house, where we ate a huge bag of Thai Sweet Chilli Sensations crisps each. (I know!) I will be the size of a house tomorrow afternoon.

Realized that actually, things aren't going so badly after all. I may have arguments with my parents a lot, but my dad makes a mean pear and blackberry crumble, (with Ben and Jerry's ice cream along side) so that makes up for it. :)

What's the point in writing a blog if no one's going to follow it? It's just like a diary. Do you want me to write everything that's happened to me today in it?

Tough.

That's for me to know, and for you to never know :)

Anyway, I'm going to get ready for bed. School tomorrow - R.E. re-take. (got a D in last practice essay)

Yours with love and affection,

Hannah xxx

Good bloody morning.

Hello

So I'm having one of those annoying teenage arguments with my parents at the moment. My mum and I just had a row about if I was allowed to go to my boyfriend's house or not today. I told her that I wanted to, and she said not until she'd seen evidence of my work. Fair enough. I told her that I'd do some this morning and then she could see the evidence. She then screamed and shouted at me, telling me that it would take me the whole day for me to do my work. She's probably right, but I wasn't going to tell her that. I insisted that it would only take me the morning, and I would do some music practice as well. That shut her up. She then told me she refused to drive me up there, and told me to get a bus. It's Sunday, ladies and gentlemen. My dad agreed that he'd drive me up there after my brother's rugby game.

What a bitch my mum is. Shame I'm turning into her, isn't it?

Yours with anger

Hannah xxx

Me, myself and I.

Well, blogging is entirely knew to me, to be honest. It's like a diary, but on the computer, right? I hope I'm not being expected to open up too much on here. Maybe over time; y'never know...

Right, so my name is Hannah and I'm 15 and 5"7. I'm in the final year of Millais secondary school and finding it a lot harder than any other year so far, what with all the GCSEs coming up and all. I'm naturally blond, but since I dyed it brown about 9 months ago, it's never been the same. I've been blond, ginger, brown, grey, mousey. It's just sick. I've got a mum and a dad and a brother who's 12.

I'm not really very interesting, although some might say my life is. I go ballroom dancing, so obviously, this time of year when Strictly's on is a good time of the year :) I play the French horn (it's a curly snail-like brass instrument, for those who don't know) and I'm currently working at a grade 5 level. Tbh, I'm boring myself to sleep...

I have a very short temper and I don't like to be proven wrong. If I know I'm wrong, I don't like to apologize for it. I look, sound and act like my mother. This is a bad thing, because she is turning into her mother. I now know what I am going to be like when I am 44 and 66. Bloody wonderful. I don't think of myself very highly, and I'm constantly putting myself down. I have to make myself try to look nice, although I never succeed.

My friends are everything to me at the moment, and I have a feeling a couple of them have a bog which I should be stalking, but I can only find one of them atm. But I will find them. I also have a boyfriend. I don't really think I want him knowing about me starting a blog, incase I write something nasty about him on here, and he finds out.

My love life used to be a bit of an interesting one. Now it seems to be sorting itself out, pretty much. My friends take great pleasure in finding out the latest gossip about my love life. Pretty sad really.

I also have an obsession with clothes. I love shopping, and the clothes I buy have to be pretty expensive, or I won't buy them. I'm not spoilt though, because I have to pay for them all myself.

Anyway, I've gone on a lot. I don't know who would have the patience to read this, but if you are reading it, then I promise I won't go on so much next time! :)

Lots of loveee

Hannah xxx