So i've been coming up with imaginary scenarios in my head, for example, i died, but I could see how everyone was reacting. i also thought about what would happen if i KNEW i was going to die. who would i tell? what would i say to people? who would i apoogise to? who would i take the opportunity to punch round the face? (not thinking of anyone in particular..*cough*miss gammon*cough*)

basically, i thought about myself. and i thought that actually, i'm hideous. people say 'Hannah! you're so vain! you have so many pictures of yourself!'
wanna know why i have so many pictures?
to make myself feel good because i want people to think that i'm pretty even though on the inside i feel like a total fuck ugly ogre.
i'm not after attention, so please don't think i am.

i just can't seem to help myself in anything i do.
i tell myself to lose weight: i can't.
i tell myself to sort myself out: i can't.

in general, i fail at life.

on the upside, i think i love mr hoare :L

but yeahh.

I'm going on holiday to Lincolnshire with Connor & fam on saturday :) should be soo good.
and on Friday Evie and I have the Women in Black trip in London.. not sure whether to be excited or worried :S

I'm not sure what else to write in here today. It sounds like i've just droned on and on..
but i'm not trying to complain. i generally am annoyed.

also, i don't know if i've written this on here, but i'm going to the 'doctor's' for my social anxiety thing.
(for those who don't know):
- I can't go out without thinking that everyone is looking at me or laughing
- I can't meet new people for too long without thinking that they're judging me
- I can't see Connor's friends because i'm afraid they'll take the piss or hate me or laugh
- I get paranoid when i'm in big groups that different people within the group are talking about me
- I get paranoid about Connor - that he's going to hurt me again
- Any girl that talks to him i get worried about, automatically.

so yeah, that's why i need to go to the shrink's.
please don't think i'm a weirdo.

anyway, i'm going.
I'm rather tired and should be going to bed soon..

Yours with unsureness,
Hannah xxx